Sunlight

The greatest disinfectant is sunlight. It warms us, provides Vitamin D and kills many organisms that require darkness to survive. Humans need light - we are not mushrooms.

Why then, do we work so hard to prevent illuminating our dysfunctions? Why, when we understand the healing power of light, do we fight to keep the shades pulled down and the light out of our lives?

I believe some of it has to do with cultural teachings. Historically, we have tried to create a public and a private persona. "we don't need to air our dirty laundry in public" "no one needs to know our business". I get it, some things are tender and being vulnerable with everyone is just asking for judgement and pain in the hands of the wrong people. But what happens when this mentality goes too far? What happens when it is weaponized? I know that is a big word "weaponized" but it is real. Let's examine it:

Why do we use the word "incest" to describe what happened to me? The Marriam-Webster dictionary describes incest as "sexual intercourse between persons so closely related that they are forbidden by law to marry; also the statutory crime of such a relationship". WHAT?! That doesn't describe my experience. Let's try another word I've heard and used a lot, "molest". It is described by Marriam-Webster as "to make unwanted or improper sexual advances towards (someone) especially : to force physical or usually sexual contact on (someone)." They also list with a qualifier "somewhat old-fashioned: to annoy, disturb, or persecute (a person or animal) with hostile intent or injurious effect." Ok, so there is some truth in that one, but it doesn't quite tell the truth of my experience. Let's try 1 more, "sexual assault". The same dictionary describes that as "illegal sexual contact that usually involves force upon a person without consent who is incapable of giving consent (as because of age or physical or mental incapacity) or who places the assailant (such as a doctor) in a position of trust or authority". Ok, yep that fits my experience. But it has NOT been used to describe my experience. Why?

No one wants to admit that as a society, we allow sexual assault to occur within our family homes. No one wants to face the stark reality that predators live among us as our family members. And we certainly do not want to admit that we have enabled their prevalence by hiding and reducing their actions by minimizing them. We don't want to admit a lot of things to ourselves and to others. The predators understand this more than we do. The only way the predator can exist and continue to get away with the assault is to use human nature against us. And they do it with skill. It is with this skill that our natures are used to control, manipulate and harm. By minimizing the sexual assault to molestation, we place the burden of the impact solely on the shoulders of the victim. The victim is now responsible to manage the injury alone, because we as a society and a family do not want to deal with it.

Let's say that again, we do not want to deal with it. Well, frankly, neither do the victims, but we have no choice. In one way or another, we have to deal with the injury. We can suppress it, we can be angry and lash out at the world, we can blame ourselves and launch self hate injuries and the list goes on and on. Let's stop acting like we have a choice here and let's pull open the shades and let the light in. If we keep the shades pulled, the darkness can continue. The secrets can be kept, the victims can sit in their own misunderstandings and damage grows and grows and grows. That is why I call it a weapon.

What does it mean to let the light in? Well, to me it means acknowledgment for the sake of healing, as I described in my first post. But it also means disinfecting areas of mold and fungus. The only way to stop mold from spreading is to remove it all and treat the infected areas. If we try to manage mold with a duster, we will fail to rid ourselves of it and it will continue to grow and do damage to all the areas of infection. Do we really have the option of not dealing with it?

The issue that makes mold so dangerous is that it's spores become airborne and impact everyone living in the home. No one is safe, everyone is at risk of damage. When we decide to hide our family dysfunctions, everyone in the family is effected. We are each impacted differently, we each have our own stories and interpretation of events. But the impact is real nevertheless. My desire to honor my families individual needs has always been a huge deciding factor on what I said and what I did regarding the assaults I experienced. My fear of being rejected has also been a huge factor on my choices. The fear placed in my heart by the manipulations of a skilled perpetrator has been very difficult to eradicate. It has not been easy to find, remove and disinfect. I believe we can make it easier and that is why I write now.

We can make it easier by working together to remove the mold from our homes and our lives. Many hands make light work, right? Let's not ask 1 person to own the "problem". It wasn't my issue, it was his. And if it was his to own, then everyone who lived with him, who loved him, who had to claim him as "theirs" has the opportunity and in my mind, obligation, to assist in carrying out the remediation efforts for the entire family structure.

Let's stop asking the scared little girls and boys who live within us to manage this by themselves. Let's stop minimizing their experiences by using watered down language to describe the brutality they've had to endure. Let's start giving each other permission to heal all our wounds, not just the ones that we as a society or family feel comfortable with.

I hope that this post feels a little outdated to some. I hope that the issues I talk about are only "old folk" issues and that we have evolved as a society. I truly do. The picture I've included in the post was taken of me in my teen years, in front of our home in Bear River City. That young girl had the weight of the world suffocating her from the inside out. But she was determined to make a life for herself outside of the abuse. My heart breaks for her and all of those like her who didn't have a team of experts aiding in her healing. I hope she is no longer the norm but I have a feeling that while the specifics I recount are unique to me, the feelings created from the burdens of abuse are not. Even if they are, there are still folks like me out there that require additional efforts to heal and for them I write today.

Sunlight does provide cleansing, disinfecting. It fills the dark rooms that exist in our memories and chases it out from each nook and cranny it has lived in. Sunlight reminds me of my Moab days and it has always provided me with the warmth and safety I've required. It didn't come immediately, it has required time and effort to fully rid my heart of the mold, but it has cleansed nevertheless. If you find mold in any of your spaces, reach out. Open the windows and doors and let the sunlight in. You can talk about it, you can trust that there is a community of people who completely understand and will help you as you put on your hazmat suit and start clearing out all your rooms of the spores that have endangered you and the infections that require healing now. Putting a light on your wounds is not doing harm to anyone else. Let's stop internalizing this and stop feeling any shame or guilt about being abused. Let's look at it for what it is/was: an assault. We don't shame a child that was run over by a drunk driver. We don't hide their broken bones. We simply get them the treatment they need to heal their wounds. Why do we treat these wounds any differently? Let's do the same thing for those suffering injuries of this "nature" and simply get the treatment necessary to heal their wounds.

Let's shine a light on it!

Special Note and Request: As with everything in our society right now, we can use topics like discussed above as a reason to crucify others. I want to be clear, I am not in anyway calling for an over reaction to this topic. Using sexual violence, domestic violence or any other abuse against anyone falsely is in itself an assault. So don't use me as an excuse to falsely accuse anyone. Please don't make it harder for those who are trying to heal to get the support they require by making them put up with the nonsense created by those using it as a weapon.