Joys, blessings and other great things

I've written a lot about all the dysfunctions in my life and the impacts on me and my family. And while all those are real and true, they are not the only stories I have to tell. Just as with our bodies, we can have dysfunction in areas and function in others. My life was that also. I have had many blessed experiences that have carried me, fortified me, taught me, and brought much joy and laughter also.

The rural farm life, while sometimes restrictive, brought to my life a joy of connection with the earth, livestock and other outdoor activities that were extremely regulating to my heart and soul. My husband's family farm and feedlot provided opportunities for me and our boys to experience the miracle of birth with horses and cows, sometimes bottle feeding calves that needed help. Remember the movie "City Slickers" and the moment Billy Crystal's character names one of the calves "Norman"? Well, we did the same. We had several Norman's along the way. One day, my oldest son came home after helping his dad facilitate the birthing of a calf. He was around 8 years old. He came in the house pretty wide eyed and excitingly described the scene he had just witnessed. He was somewhere between amazed and horrified. After recounting the process, he got a bit quieter and asked me "mom, is that what you did when I was born?" I told him yes and then he asked me "did it hurt?" I sat with him for a moment and felt gratitude for such a natural way to teach him about child birth, about the stewardship of caring for these small animals and seeing his heart grow as he felt compassion for the mother cow, along with love for me and what I had gone through to bring him into the world. His ability to witness the miracle of birth, to feel the presence of God in that moment of new life coming forth, and his ability to express his young sense of that was one of my favorite memories of farm life gifts. And a few years later, my younger son would have a similar experience, with a similar reaction and story and we too were able to have the same conversations that I had previously had with my oldest son. There are many stories like this one that teach and grow children who have the benefit of this way of life. While it wasn't my forever, I wanted my boys to have as much of it as was possible. Some of the decisions I made during and after the divorce was because I wanted them to be able to enjoy this life and all the blessings it had to give. It isn't an easy life, hard work is a requirement that doesn't take breaks for the weekend, but it has it's advantages and my life and my son's lives have been blessed because of it.

There was a women's softball league in our area and I needed something to do, so I signed up. I'm not an amazing softball player, but had some ability and mostly needed to be active. I missed dancing and needed not only the physical part, but the friendships that I hoped to establish. Within the first year, I met a woman who was around my same age. She had a husband that had the same name as my husband and we quickly found a connection. Not only did we see life in similar ways, as we described our husbands, we saw similarities in them. During one game, we saw a blond man walking towards the field. One of us claimed the man as our husband, quickly followed by the other one saying "that's MY husband". We watched as he got closer and started to laugh as we found even our husbands were similar in physical features as well. We introduced them to each other and their friendship was formed. We would continue our friendship with the birth of 3 more boys (we already had our first), 2 for them and 2 for us. This friendship brought many joys into my life. Not only did I get a friend/sister that supported me as I grew into the new role of wife and mother, but also someone who cheered on our boys, our marriage and our lives. We boated together, spending weekends at the lake water skiing, we took trips to Lake Powell, we snowmobiled together and grew up together. We talked over many of life's important topics during our nights of Jazz games, dinners and game nights together. My 20's were spent with them and their family and I love all those memories. They were our extended family and the love I felt has stayed with me my entire life. We didn't stay in each other's lives as the divorce moved me away to another road, but the love has remained and the memories are cherished.

One of the greatest joys of my life was getting close to my husband's mother. She was an extraordinary woman. She opened up her heart and home to me and our boys and became one of the cornerstones of my foundation. As I grew closer to her, my visits to her house were almost daily. She lived just across the field and her home was adjacent to the farm yard which was the central hub for all the farm activities. Her home was immaculate, calm, loving and air conditioned. While my mother was in chaos during this time, my mother in law was a port in the storms that raged inside me. I wanted to learn all I could from her, whether it was cooking techniques or life strategies. She had an incredible testimony of her faith and practiced all that she believed in. She loved her family intensely and that love was given to my boys with the same intensity she gave her love to her children. Her yard was full of color as she nurtured the flower pots the way she nurtured her family. I never felt her judging me, but knew she wanted her son to have a great marriage and our family to be strong. I knew she wanted for us to strengthen our faith practices, but I didn't feel any disapproval from her. My desire as a child was to behave so that my mother was happy with me. I hated the feeling that my mother might not be pleased with my behavior. I felt that same way as an adult with my mother in law. I wanted to please her, not only because I was dysfunctional in many areas of my relationships, but because I valued her and trusted her opinion so much. I knew if I was making choices she approved of, I was doing good work and that mattered to me. We had many heart to heart talks about life and family and my desires to build a strong family of my own. One of my greatest heartaches was knowing that the divorce was hurting her too. In fact, she wrote me a letter after we separated and I still have the letter. She mentioned all of our heart to hearts and reminded me of the desires I had spoke to her about many times. I couldn't change that course, but even after the divorce she treated me with such love and respect. She truly was a gift from God and her influence on my life has never ceased. She died when the boys were in their late teens, early 20's. I didn't attend her funeral as my ex husband wasn't happy with me and I didn't want to cause any contention for their family. But I wanted to honor her and all she had meant to me. I took some time in my own way to send my love and appreciation to her. Over the years, I have had some unique spiritual experiences that have reinforced my belief that our loved ones stay with us and watch over us. I believe she has been with her grand children, my boys, many times in their lives. I believe she continues to watch over her great grand children, my adopted kids, as they grow. Her influence and love changed me and influenced my family forever.

(Yes, this is the same event with the same hair and Units outfit as a previous post)

In this picture, you see my boys, their father, their father's parents and his father's father and step mother. 4 generations of a family that set a foundation for my children and even me, that I have cherished my entire life.

This post would not be complete without me revisiting the love and joy I experienced with my boys' dad. He was the first man I loved and I will always value the relationship we shared. It wasn't always that way and I held much pain in me from our relationship and like most toxic substances, it impacted my boys and it is one of the greatest sadness of my life. I wish I could have handled it all better and given my boys a different experience. But I also wish I could have managed things with him better. While I do have specific disagreements with some of his choices, I also know he gave the best he had to give, as did I. We loved each other, we enjoyed each other and we loved our family. He took me into his world of farming and ranching and showed me a life I have always cherished. He taught me how to ride a horse in the middle of a feedlot, which I absolutely loved! He taught me how to shoot a rifle and I was able to hunt with the "boys". He showed me how to drive a semi truck and attempted to teach me how to back up with a trailer hitched. I never got that skill, but my boys did! What I love the most about our relationship was the way he made me feel beautiful. He was very kind to me in that way and helped me move from self loathing to start to consider I might have some positive attributes. While he criticized my housekeeping and other aspects of my personality, he also had the ability to seem proud to be with me and that made me feel special. He worked very hard and provided a stability to life that I had never had. His family was farming the same farm that they had for generations. His grandfather was still working on the farm, along with his father, his uncle and his brothers. He knew how to stay the course and work the land and change with the seasons, that is learned uniquely by being someone who worked in that way for generations. I love still today, that my boys had that as their foundations. As I see elements of their father in their countenances and hear him in their voices, I'm grateful for all that he has given to me and to them, even the grandchildren. His gifts continue to enhance all their lives and by association mine. He is the father of my greatest loves and while our relationship was fraught with too many toxic behaviors, there is a base of love and that will always be true. My heart is full of love and gratitude for who he was to me and who he is to our prosterity.