I'm 18 and I know...

Nothing!

I was married 2 weeks after I graduated high school. I was super excited to start my life! My childhood was traumatic and all I wanted was to get out of it and start my own life. So marriage was my greatest hope and I was very happy to have found my prince charming. A few weeks prior to the wedding, I learned I was pregnant. I wasn't sad to be pregnant, as I desperately wanted to start my family, but I was sad that people might think we "had to get married". That is a clue to the era I grew up in and how immature I was. Looking back at my 18 years old self it's hard to see just how insecure I was. I had ZERO understanding of what I was doing, but thought I knew a lot. It took only a matter of moments of adult life to show me how unprepared I was.

Becoming a mother is the most important part of my story. My dream of being the best mother ever has always been at the core of my soul. My dream of creating a beautiful family and home was and has been such a critical part of me. I wanted to make sure I didn't make the same mistakes I experienced in my own childhood. During my childhood I thought that all I needed to do was to SURVIVE until I reached adulthood, then I could and would create the home and family of my dreams. Well, I know now the childish nature of that belief. It helped me survive, but it wasn't that simple. Changing my location didn't magically heal all the injuries inflicted during my childhood. I didn't even understand yet, that healing was required.

I did know, however, that I wasn't ok. I knew that what I had experienced and how I felt was not the goal. I knew learning another way was critical and I began the obsessive search for the "fix" I desperately needed. This began the search for the cure. The cure of all the emotional pain I felt. The cure for all of the ways I felt weak and confused. The cure for all the ways I didn't know how or what to do for my boys.

I watched Oprah. I studied psychology. I watched Oprah. I went to therapy. I watched Oprah. I read the books focused on emotional healing. I watched Oprah.